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| Another Outbreak -
by John Shand
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Here is a light hearted look at the TT cancellation
scenario by Hoof Hearted that well known Kiwi writer who now resides in
Sweeden. Please don't take it too seriously!!
Somewhere in
the South Pacific, farmers are again in a panic over a rare tropical disease
that can wreck havoc in the animal food chain. This illness is carried by a
virus and infects the entire Moth population,-- so critical in the pollination
of grasses and plant life as well as being night time fodder for hungry Bats
and various winged creatures of the night. The virus produces gases in the
insects digestive system, which, when expelled cause the insects anal orifice
to become inflamed and raw. Commonly known in the area as "Farting Moth
Disease" or FMD for short, scientists have discovered through microscopic
testing, that the pain inflicted on them is akin to eating Indian curries for
five straight weekdays and then blowing it all out in one hit on Saturday
morning.
The Moth does not die of this illness and recovers over a four
week period but cannot fly during this time due to the fact the expelled gases
create problems in flight direction and trajectory, causing the insect to bump
into objects. Similar to a human who has imbibed too much on products available
at their local ale houses. However the pollination process cannot continue
during this time of inactivity and the delicate balance of nature gets out of
kilter.
There is a cure however, for Farting Moth Disease, first
discovered in the laboratories of the well known Moth Anal Research Central
Headquarters or MARCH as it is better known. These small insects are extremely
sensitive to any vibrations in the surrounding air. Their ability to pick up
these, is a clue to how they are able to navigate in the darkness of their
natural environment.
Introducing the correct vibrations into the
atmosphere instantly neutralises the virus and allows the Moth to continue with
a normal life. A small island in the Pacific Ocean known as the Isle of Can, so
called because they can organise various activities without any major problem,
has yet to be infected with the illness, although surrounding areas show signs
of the diseases presence.
Scientists, therefore have recieved
permission from the local government to undergo a rather unique experiment.
Funds to undergo the experiment were approved at a special meeting in an old
shed behind a specially constructed iron fence where the politicians of the
island reach their decisions. Locals call the fence the Tin Wall and nowdays in
fact the whole complex is known as the Tin Wall. Some thousands of dolleros,
the islands currency, has been allocated.
The Isle of Can has a coastal
road circumnavigating its 600 odd square miles. This road is in rather good
condition and roughly 37 to 38 miles in length.
The project leader and
chief scientist Mustaphak Rap, has a theory that a motorcycle race should be
conducted on this road. The vibrations emitted from the exhaust systems will be
transmitted throughout the countryside thereby inactivating the dreaded virus.
Extensive testing has shown that only racing motorcycle exhausts systems seem
do do the job.Other vehicles such as cars and trucks do not provide the correct
vibration levels needed to overcome the virus's defences. Also the sustained
high speeds expected from the motorcycles ensures that adequate coverage is
maintained and the resulting effect is that the virus will not be able to
establish itself within a 50 mile radius for some six months to come.
So
planning is now well underway for this eventful occasion. The members in the
Tin Wall have produced a special cup for the race meeting which will be known
as the Isle of Can "Save Catastrophes and Moths" cup or SCAM for short. This
magnificent trophy stands at over six feet tall and already is affectionately
known as the "BIG SCAM"
It was also debated in the Tin Wall to ask as
many as possible motorcyclists to the island that have racing exhaust systems
fitted to their bikes to assist in controlling the disease. While racing was
not in progress they could circulate on the road and act as a support system.
Suggestions of a festival and other activities were bandied about in order to
attract as many as possible to the race meeting.
However there were two
major obstacles to the project. Being a small island it is necessary to use
ferries and small boats to transport them over. Also accommodation for the
visitors presented a further obstacle. When realistic prices were set by the
various groups for travel and accommodation, prospective travellers complained
and moaned so much and filled the air with so many bad vibrations,which are
lethal to the Moth, the organisers abandoned that part of the scheme and just
decided to go ahead with the racing and will ask any spectators to remain at
home. The idea, however has not been totally abandoned, just put into
mothballs. There was also a small risk that extra people could accidentally
carry in the virus in any moth eaten clothing whereas the racing suits used by
the racers are known to be disease free and the speeds obtained by the bikes
would soon blow away the illness.
So it seems there will be some road
racing after all this season somewhere in the world. Having a race meeting with
no spectators will be a strange occurrence as the racers like to have the fans
waving their programmes and urging them on to greater deeds. But as one
disappointed race goer commented-that having spectators watching a race with no
bikes in it, can be even stranger.
All the top racers are expected to
attend including David Moodie, Jim Duffus, Ian Jefferies, and Stevie Archibald
along with newcomers Ryan Dowling and Chris Farquar to name just a few. The lap
record on this new circuit is expected to be in the 125mph bracket depending on
the weather and wandering stock on the circuit. The wandering stock problem
shall be taken care of, promised the politician in charge of agriculture, Mr
Bool Shyte. The armed forces shall use them for target practice and then make a
giant barbecue as he has seen done before in other parts of the world. Any
farmer objecting to this, risk being added to the barbecue added Mr Shyte who
is known for his strong tactics when anybody disagrees with his
remarks.
According to the Tin Wall, the vote to go ahead with the racing
was pretty much unanimous and Treasury have been most generous with the prize
fund and covering other costs to ensure complete success. Two ministers were
reported to be in doubt about the project. Mr Fens Itter, who in private life
runs a small business cleaning birdshit out of cuckoo clocks and Mr R Slicker a
pheasant plucker from the north end of the island were soon convinced of the
worthiness of the project by two men in dark suits carrying violin cases,
supposedly from the local orchestra.
Entertainment for the racers and
their crews, shall be provided for, by the Young Womens Health and Fitness
club, who promise to perform artistic routines and other multicultural
activities. A small charge will be made for their kind services to cover the
costs, such as leather goods and batteries. Madame Fay Sitter has promised to
have her charges perform to the very best of their abilities and live up to the
motto "The customer comes first"
A rock band under the leadership of a
Mr Dick Jagger will perform at the football stadium after the prize giving
ceremony. A Rock and Roll globetrotter, Dick says he is always on the move but
is most happy to do this "one off" concert for such a good cause. Certainly a
case of "A Rolling Stone gathers no Moth." Thanks must go to Dick for his
generosity.
Organisation of the events logistics and officialdom will be
under the control of the ACU. This stands for "Another Cock Up" and is in place
to make absolutely sure the races cannot run on time, half of the entries are
refused, nobody has the correct pass and other important things such as using
slick tyres on wet roads. No other organization can do it like they do, and the
competitors are unhappy if it is any other way, so they shall be flown in at
great expense by the Isle of Can government.
All in all, the inaugural
Isle of Can Big Scam races look to be headed for a giant success and the
experiment in saving the small insect population from Farting Moth Disease
seems to be a wonderful example of cooperation between motorcycle racing and
mother nature itself.
Who said it could be any other way?
By HOOF
HEARTED
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