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The TT Supporters Club

 Another Outbreak - by John Shand

Here is a light hearted look at the TT cancellation scenario by Hoof Hearted that well known Kiwi writer who now resides in Sweeden. Please don't take it too seriously!!

Somewhere in the South Pacific, farmers are again in a panic over a rare tropical disease that can wreck havoc in the animal food chain. This illness is carried by a virus and infects the entire Moth population,-- so critical in the pollination of grasses and plant life as well as being night time fodder for hungry Bats and various winged creatures of the night. The virus produces gases in the insects digestive system, which, when expelled cause the insects anal orifice to become inflamed and raw. Commonly known in the area as "Farting Moth Disease" or FMD for short, scientists have discovered through microscopic testing, that the pain inflicted on them is akin to eating Indian curries for five straight weekdays and then blowing it all out in one hit on Saturday morning.

The Moth does not die of this illness and recovers over a four week period but cannot fly during this time due to the fact the expelled gases create problems in flight direction and trajectory, causing the insect to bump into objects. Similar to a human who has imbibed too much on products available at their local ale houses. However the pollination process cannot continue during this time of inactivity and the delicate balance of nature gets out of kilter.

There is a cure however, for Farting Moth Disease, first discovered in the laboratories of the well known Moth Anal Research Central Headquarters or MARCH as it is better known. These small insects are extremely sensitive to any vibrations in the surrounding air. Their ability to pick up these, is a clue to how they are able to navigate in the darkness of their natural environment.

Introducing the correct vibrations into the atmosphere instantly neutralises the virus and allows the Moth to continue with a normal life. A small island in the Pacific Ocean known as the Isle of Can, so called because they can organise various activities without any major problem, has yet to be infected with the illness, although surrounding areas show signs of the diseases presence.

Scientists, therefore have recieved permission from the local government to undergo a rather unique experiment. Funds to undergo the experiment were approved at a special meeting in an old shed behind a specially constructed iron fence where the politicians of the island reach their decisions. Locals call the fence the Tin Wall and nowdays in fact the whole complex is known as the Tin Wall. Some thousands of dolleros, the islands currency, has been allocated.

The Isle of Can has a coastal road circumnavigating its 600 odd square miles. This road is in rather good condition and roughly 37 to 38 miles in length.

The project leader and chief scientist Mustaphak Rap, has a theory that a motorcycle race should be conducted on this road. The vibrations emitted from the exhaust systems will be transmitted throughout the countryside thereby inactivating the dreaded virus. Extensive testing has shown that only racing motorcycle exhausts systems seem do do the job.Other vehicles such as cars and trucks do not provide the correct vibration levels needed to overcome the virus's defences. Also the sustained high speeds expected from the motorcycles ensures that adequate coverage is maintained and the resulting effect is that the virus will not be able to establish itself within a 50 mile radius for some six months to come.

So planning is now well underway for this eventful occasion. The members in the Tin Wall have produced a special cup for the race meeting which will be known as the Isle of Can "Save Catastrophes and Moths" cup or SCAM for short. This magnificent trophy stands at over six feet tall and already is affectionately known as the "BIG SCAM"

It was also debated in the Tin Wall to ask as many as possible motorcyclists to the island that have racing exhaust systems fitted to their bikes to assist in controlling the disease. While racing was not in progress they could circulate on the road and act as a support system. Suggestions of a festival and other activities were bandied about in order to attract as many as possible to the race meeting.

However there were two major obstacles to the project. Being a small island it is necessary to use ferries and small boats to transport them over. Also accommodation for the visitors presented a further obstacle. When realistic prices were set by the various groups for travel and accommodation, prospective travellers complained and moaned so much and filled the air with so many bad vibrations,which are lethal to the Moth, the organisers abandoned that part of the scheme and just decided to go ahead with the racing and will ask any spectators to remain at home. The idea, however has not been totally abandoned, just put into mothballs. There was also a small risk that extra people could accidentally carry in the virus in any moth eaten clothing whereas the racing suits used by the racers are known to be disease free and the speeds obtained by the bikes would soon blow away the illness.

So it seems there will be some road racing after all this season somewhere in the world. Having a race meeting with no spectators will be a strange occurrence as the racers like to have the fans waving their programmes and urging them on to greater deeds. But as one disappointed race goer commented-that having spectators watching a race with no bikes in it, can be even stranger.

All the top racers are expected to attend including David Moodie, Jim Duffus, Ian Jefferies, and Stevie Archibald along with newcomers Ryan Dowling and Chris Farquar to name just a few. The lap record on this new circuit is expected to be in the 125mph bracket depending on the weather and wandering stock on the circuit. The wandering stock problem shall be taken care of, promised the politician in charge of agriculture, Mr Bool Shyte. The armed forces shall use them for target practice and then make a giant barbecue as he has seen done before in other parts of the world. Any farmer objecting to this, risk being added to the barbecue added Mr Shyte who is known for his strong tactics when anybody disagrees with his remarks.

According to the Tin Wall, the vote to go ahead with the racing was pretty much unanimous and Treasury have been most generous with the prize fund and covering other costs to ensure complete success. Two ministers were reported to be in doubt about the project. Mr Fens Itter, who in private life runs a small business cleaning birdshit out of cuckoo clocks and Mr R Slicker a pheasant plucker from the north end of the island were soon convinced of the worthiness of the project by two men in dark suits carrying violin cases, supposedly from the local orchestra.

Entertainment for the racers and their crews, shall be provided for, by the Young Womens Health and Fitness club, who promise to perform artistic routines and other multicultural activities. A small charge will be made for their kind services to cover the costs, such as leather goods and batteries. Madame Fay Sitter has promised to have her charges perform to the very best of their abilities and live up to the motto "The customer comes first"

A rock band under the leadership of a Mr Dick Jagger will perform at the football stadium after the prize giving ceremony. A Rock and Roll globetrotter, Dick says he is always on the move but is most happy to do this "one off" concert for such a good cause. Certainly a case of "A Rolling Stone gathers no Moth." Thanks must go to Dick for his generosity.

Organisation of the events logistics and officialdom will be under the control of the ACU. This stands for "Another Cock Up" and is in place to make absolutely sure the races cannot run on time, half of the entries are refused, nobody has the correct pass and other important things such as using slick tyres on wet roads. No other organization can do it like they do, and the competitors are unhappy if it is any other way, so they shall be flown in at great expense by the Isle of Can government.

All in all, the inaugural Isle of Can Big Scam races look to be headed for a giant success and the experiment in saving the small insect population from Farting Moth Disease seems to be a wonderful example of cooperation between motorcycle racing and mother nature itself.
Who said it could be any other way?


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