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+--- Thread: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here (/showthread.php?tid=4111)
- Malcolm - 15-09-2006
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. " How do you feel about sex? " he asked hesitantly.
" Well," she said, responding very carefully, " I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Is that one word or two?".
- thewitch - 15-09-2006
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the
time."
"Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank - every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember
everybody's birthday. * He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic
jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good
and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his dashed widow."
- Malcolm - 15-09-2006
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."He went into the pub where
He immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
good rider - ian huntly - 20-10-2006
My mate has been told he is good rider....
Only yesterday he had three messages stuck on his windshield saying "PARKING FINE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scots on Holiday..... - Guy - 28-10-2006
Nothing wrong with The Isle of Man (by the way) .......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSiANLQTQBA&search=2006%20scottish%20scotland%20funny%20humour%20crazy%20priceless%20hilarious
Oh ! & Scottish Startrek ! .....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSDSsIUGejc&mode=related&search
- Noddy - 13-04-2007
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and it'll pass a Harley Davidson."
- Queenie - 08-05-2007
Noddy!!!! I am gonna give you one good kickin for that story!!!
God and Harley Davidson - DCLUCIE - 17-06-2007
God was sat on his throne (no not his toilet Cargo), and The designer of Harley Davidson Motorcycles unfortunately died and went to heaven, so as he was wandering round he came across God. God asked him who he was, and he said ' I am the designer of the Harley Davidson, the greatest Motorcycle in the world'. God being a biker (of course), said 'nah you are talking *****,(insert whatever expletive you like), Yamaha are the greatest bike ever' (Honda and TT organisers please take note).
Harley was a little upset by this and turned to God and said ' What do you know about design, you designed women, and look at the problems us blokes have with them'.
God cool as anything said 'I think you will find there are alot more people riding my design than yours'
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
If you ae going to Mozambique on your bike - thewitch - 19-01-2008
![[Image: Lions.jpg]](http://i203.photobucket.com/albums/aa222/ttwebsite/Lions.jpg)
- thewitch - 21-01-2008
39 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth.. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers..
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
- thewitch - 24-01-2008
courtesy of Fly, this one...
A man comes to the Isle of Man to commit suicide. He climbed to the top of Snaefell, but he didn't fancy bouncing all that way down.
He stood on the cliffs at Maughold, but the tide was out, and it looked scary.
Then he saw the steam trains. He lay on the tracks ..........
Along came Fenella, and he was chuffed to bits!
- sticky - 24-01-2008
Found our local ice cream man dead in his van the other day. He was covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself...
I'll get me coat... :oops:
- thewitch - 24-01-2008
Oh my God... is TTwebsite turning into one of those sinister sites that drive people to suicide..............
Samaritans number is 08457 90 90 90
- thewitch - 24-01-2008
Embarrasssingly non-PC... sorry, Cargo et al....
:oops:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and sks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere" says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says.....
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!
THERE'S MORE. . .
Moments later, Seamus arrives up at the Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other."Hi Paddy, Watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And Oi'm never trying dat parrotshooting oitha!"
SORRY, BUT IT'S NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus Parrotshooting ....... and now jaseus help us Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
- cargo - 24-01-2008
Can I point out that jokes about the Irish are made simple so the the English can understand them
- cargo - 25-01-2008
Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to
Walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Ulsterman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Belfast accent
Asked 'What are you's sellin' here
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a**e-h***s.'
Without skipping a beat, the Ulsterman said,
'You are doing well ... Only two left!'
Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Ulstermen
- Fly - 26-01-2008
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
- Fly - 30-01-2008
Sir Paul McCartney when recently interviewed, was asked to consider, whether in the light of all his marital difficulties, would he ever consider going down on one knee again. Sir Paul responded " i would prefer it if you would refer to my wife as Heather".
- Noddy - 08-02-2008
Graveyard one!
A man was at the cemetery laying flowers at his friends grave when a sad mournful funeral procession passed him pall bearers and all.
Same gang passed him 10 minutes later looking bewildered and again 20 minutes later.
He was walking out of the graveyard when he noticed an elderly man cleaning headstones.
"What's the story with that funeral procession?" he duly inquired..
"Oh them",said the man....
Wait for it
"They must have lost the plot"
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here - 2 stroke nod - 02-06-2008
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the Patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some basket poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...