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+--- Thread: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here (/showthread.php?tid=4111)
Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here - ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
Instead of posting individual jokes etc on the main section, could you please add them to this section as it will be much easier for all, if you do.
ManyThanks,
Malcolm.
Motorcycle Wisdom - ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
From Harry's Original Posting
Thoughts to ride by ...
Midnight bugs taste best.
Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
Practice wrenching on your own bike.
Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
No matter what marque you ride, it's all the same wind.
Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
A Motorcycle A Blonde and a Rabbit - Another one from Harry.
A man is riding his Honda along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but, unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of his bike.
The rider,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, stops to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The rider feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway. She sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and brings back a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
Amazingly the rabbit jumps up, waves a paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...
" Miracle Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and gives long lasting wave."
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship - Charlie Hulse.
1 It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a lob.
2 It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3 It is important to have a woman that you can trust and doesn't lie.
4 It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes being with you.
5 It is very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
Why motorcycles are sometimes better than spouses - politically correct, gender neutral version ! - Another from Harry.
Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday
Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
Motorcycles don't snore.
Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late or drunk.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn out.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you are wearing when you go out together.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
If Motorcycles Were Like Computers - Another from Harry
1. For no reason whatsoever your bike would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they put new street signs up, you would have to buy a new bike.
3. Occasionally your bike would die on an uphill for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and ride on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your bike to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a bike that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to ride, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. On street bikes, only one person at a time could use the bike, unless you bought "Bike95" or "BikeNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
7. The bike would say "Are you sure?" before applying the brakes.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your bike would refuse to run until you simultaneously grabbed the plug wire, held the rear valve stem, and used the kickstarter.
9. Yamaha would require all buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Yamaha Topographical maps , even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the bike's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
10. Every time Yamaha would introduce a new model, buyers would have to learn to ride all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old bike.
11. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
Nice one Harry. Forgive me I have already copied it onto Flying Sparks.
Charlie Hulse
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
Charlie - It didn't originate with me. I am sure it's been around for a while. But, I am glad you enjoyed it. Cheers, Harry
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
From a Posting by The Witch
Here's a rabbit, motorcycle, frog (and witch) joke from Harry in Texas :
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes.
You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
- ttwebsite - 11-01-2006
Another from Harry
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 3rd DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain.
The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle and had a gun in the tool bag.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
you know your new bike is too high tech when.... - Harry - 11-01-2006
You know your bike is too high-tech when . . .
"Intel Inside" is stenciled on the gas tank
The bike plays a little tune when you start up
The repair kit includes a boot disk and an antivirus kit
The dashboard includes a LCD screen that shows "Windows 98"
Geeks ask you "How many megs yah got on that thing?"
You must use a password to open the gas filler cap
"Crashing" takes on a whole new meaning
The marque is replaced by black and white bar codes
The repair shop now includes at least one "Sun-certified Java programmer"
If you don't follow a strict sequence when turning off the bike, a systems check must be run when you restart the bike
Joke - Sid from Brigg - 14-01-2006
A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,
"Hey kid, I'll give you £10 if you hop on the back.
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK kid, I'll give you £20 and a BIG bag of sweets if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought the Harley so you ride it!"
- ade! - 18-01-2006
not bike related, but made me laugh!
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...
and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold
it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment ..
This gives a whole new meaning to being cheesed off.
ade!
- Hilary M - 18-01-2006
Great story.Could happen to anyone,and oh! the relief.
- Noddy - 19-01-2006
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the local pharmacist.
....it's an old one, but arn't they the best ones?
- ade! - 19-01-2006
ok, a few for all the girls on here:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ade and Deb are lying in bed. Ade says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world"
Deb says, "I'll miss you..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said
that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he was over ninety years old!!!
Got to love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---------------
: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the noose.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one---he just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around him.
OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man
wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
don't blame me, i didn't make them up
ade!
- thewitch - 19-01-2006
teeheeheehee! Deb is a very lucky woman....
- ade! - 19-01-2006
deb is a woman? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
try this one. turn the volume up loudish to hear exactly what's going on. it's a bit difficult to suss if not loud enough. made me think though. excuse the terrible spelling.
http://media.spikedhumor.com/8944/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf
ade!
- ade! - 24-01-2006
How you spent your dash - - Harry - 25-01-2006
This isn't a joke, but, it seemed appropriate as we begin a new year and look forward to a new season of racing.
"I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on his tombstone,
From the beginning...to the end.
He noted that first came his date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.
(1940 - 2005)
For that dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved him,
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters! is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile..
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash? "